Once Upon A Time In China

Once upon a time in China, there was a young poor farmer who had grown increasingly overburdened by the demands of his family and the landowner that he worked for. His sense of honor and duty was important to him, and failure in the eyes of anyone, especially his own family, was unacceptable to him. But he was tired and weak from his efforts, and no matter how hard he tried, there was always more and more set before him to do. He was disheartened by the fact that there seemed to be no end to what he was expected to do, but more so by the feeling that he was not appreciated by what it was that he was trying to accomplish and why. He understood that he was expected to do all that was required of him but assumed that, along the way, he would be able to gain favor as he did so. He agonized over the confusion within himself that he had fully accepted the conditions prior to his marriage and the assumption of the demands to the landowner, but blamed himself rather than the increasing demands of both to him to comply. He went to visit his elderly grandfather who had always listened to him and given fair counsel and concern.
As they sat drinking tea, the man explained his unhappiness and his desire to be all that was expected of him, but that he now felt overburdened and did not want to disrespect his promises to those he had willingly given them to.
The grandfather attempted to understand the conditions by asking him if it was the work itself that was being increased that was making him feel as a failure or was it he himself who was unable to do it. The man sighed and seemed despondent as he explained that both the marriage and the labors in the field had not changed, but that he had. That his desire to do them had become tainted by his inability to achieve any more favor in their eyes by doing them and that he had gained no more in the way of respect for accomplishing them regardless. He was afraid and ashamed to tell his grandfather this because it sounded, even to him, that this was an unworthy expectation to expect for himself when it was he who said that he could do it.
The grandfather rose slowly and asked the grandson if he would take a walk with him. He was always willing to spend time with the old and feeble man and walk with him seemed perfectly normal. Before they left the grandfather asked him if he would not mind performing a few simple tasks along the way. He readily agreed.
The old man and the grandson walked down the path and as they walked the old man stooped to pick up a rather oddly shaped and cumbersome stone. He asked the grandson to carry it for him. He attempted to place the stone in his pocket and found it painful to walk. He instead, held it in the crook of his arm and they continued to walk through the fields.
The old man stopped again to pull a large and tangled branch from the grass and handed it to the grandson to carry for him. The grandson looked at the bent bough and thought to ask why he should carry such an ungainly and twisted branch but thought better of it. He had to make a decision to put the painful rock in his pocket and walk to make room to shoulder the bough. As they continued along, the man told more and more of his story with the grandfather staying very quiet and merely nodding when it was appropriate. And while they walked, the grandfather continued to hand things to the grandson. A discarded wicker basket to loop around his shoulder, and then a vessel to hold water. A fishing pole, and small sack of grain. And the more that the grandson attempted to carry, the farther behind he fell behind the steps of the old man.
The grandson had been attempting to juggle all of these things with so much difficulty that he fell behind until the old man could not hear the story he was trying to tell him at all. He simply tottered along on his cane and dropped the things he wanted in the path for his grandson to carry. And then, he stopped pulling them to the path at all and simply pointed with his gnarled finger that he wanted it picked up.
Finally the grandson had had enough. There was simply no possible way that he could move or function. The load was ungainly, the weight too much, and all the while sweat pored from his brow to run in his eyes. In addition to what it was that he knew he should be concentrating on, small tiny gnats attempted to distract him. Nothing important but just enough to make him expend even more precious energy to bat them away. He wanted to succeed, and knew it was important, and most of all wanted nothing more than to do it, but simply couldn't juggle everything that was being expected to carry. He was only one man. He stopped in the path and dropped everything he had been carrying and loudly called to his grandfather to stop. The old man stopped and turned around and then slowly walked back as his grandson as he voiced his frustration to the old man. Each slow step back toward the grandson telling him how unfair it was to be expected to carry all of these things and say nothing, or to know that it was required but with no benefit to except to be seen as capable of carrying it.
The grandfather finally stopped in front of the grandson and smiled. He asked the grandson if he was upset. The grandson emphatically said "YES!". He then asked him if he thought this was unreasonable to ask him to do these things even though he agreed that he would walk with him and do the tasks that he required of him. He paused for a brief moment and then again said "Yes". And finally he asked the grandson if he thought it was unfair. Again he said "yes".
The grandfather waited just a moment for the analogy to soak in and then asked if it was fair to complain about the journey or the burden placed upon him as they walked if it was asked if he would do them before they left.
The man sighed and crumpled in defeat and began picking up his miserable load feeling as though he was the one who had failed, yet again, in his own sense of worthiness and the expectations of others. The grandfather talked quietly as he re shouldered his load and told him that he had done nothing different from the beginning of this journey as he had up until now. That he was told what he would do and that he had accepted those demands readily. He asked if simply stating and reminding him of what he had promised was enough to put the labors into a perspective that brought any more worth or happiness to him.
"But I thought we were going to walk and enjoy each others company. I thought that you would be happy to have me do the things you required, but you became quiet. I thought that I would be able to like to do these things that were expected along the way, but there seems to be no end to what it is that you would have me do. And as the journey grows longer, I am becoming less and less capable of doing what you ask. I am not happy in doing these things for you because now I am tired and exasperated by the effort."
The old wise man looked at the grandson and asked "And do you think that that is unfair?"."Yes it is unfair"
"Even though I asked you before we started and that I have not increased my demands from the start?"
The grandson felt a trick coming but answered honestly. "Yes. Because when I said that I would do it, I expected it to be something different and didn't know what was going to be required. I didn't know what to ask."
"And do you think that this is less fair now for your not asking?"
The grandson steeled himself for the answer he thought he would get for what he was going to say, but in his frustration continued anyway.
"Grandfather, I know what I said in the beginning, but I did not know what to ask. I only assumed that I knew what to ask and had no way of knowing that I would change along the path. How could I know if I didn't know where I would be expected to go or how much I would have to carry? I knew what I was doing, but could not see why when we first started. How could I know what I would feel if I had not been there? I knew what I wanted but did not know that it would not come. And most of all, I feel as though the more I am expected to carry, the more of a failure to you I will become if I can not carry it. I have changed along this walk and feel as though if I had known what was coming, and how little I would gain from it in worthiness or respect from you, that I would have said no." All I want is to make you proud of me for what I will do, but all of these things are only of use to you and not to me. All these things are to me, are objects that I must carry to retain my honor".
The grandfather began pulling the loads from his grandson's shoulders and talked quietly to him.
"You have learned a very valuable lesson. Just because you were noble in your intentions to do what was right in the beginning by assuming those burdens, does not mean that you should be expected to continue in your endeavors to remain bound to them if they are only for the wants and needs of others. Even from a man who will willfully sacrifice of himself, there has to be something that returns in you to continue to do it. If you do not know what to ask in the beginning, how can you be expected to make a fair decision? If you do not know what to expect, how can you know if you can do it? Your expectations for the journey should be just as important to others as your responsibilities to achieve them are important to them. And it is not your fault that you have changed. It is your birthright. It is the fault of others because they have NOT changed while they expect you to remain constant. Your responsibilities are only HALF of what is required for any journey. A life, a marriage, a simple walk with an old and tired man. All are the same. It is only fair to assume that if your responsibilities were understood by you, that so should your expectations have been for assuming them. The worth of a man or woman is not by what they do, for an ox is never thanked, and yet it still plows the field. The worth of the task is measured by how it is returned to you in the way you need to feel it.
The old man walked back toward the village leaving the man in the road. The grandfather stopped at the top of the small hill and turned to reply to his grandson.
"Can I ask you a favor that is a little more acceptable?"
"Of course you can grandfather."
"Walk with me and let me enjoy your company".
The grandson paused for a moment and then replied quietly that he would love to walk with him, but that he can't carry what he expects. "Grandson" he replied in almost a whisper "This time I didn't ask you to".
The grandson smiled and understood that half of the solution to the problem is to not be expected to have it asked of him in the first place.