HAIL QUIXOTICA

    

I was referred to, for the umpteenth time by one of my friends as a combination of two of the most pathetic creatures on the planet. A person who sees and knows everything about the human experience and can predict it in some of the most inconspicuous niches of our lives to such a degree that he actually comprehends the expanse of what it is to be human, and the person who has the inability to convince others of the insight. To know what it is to be human is half the battle. To actually believe that it is worth it to elevate a human to the point that he or she can embrace it, is to achieve humanity. And that is wholly different from simply being human. One is a physical condition, the other is a transcendence to of station above animals. It is this humanity that God tries to impart to Adam that differentiates man from the animals. Blood and sinew, muscle and bone, are not unique to man. Only his understanding of what he should be beyond that of tissue and flesh is what distinguishes them above it.
Quixotic is a word that came from Don Quixote, the hero of romance written by Miguel De Cervantes. The word 'Quixotic' can apply to people who are not only caught up in the romance of noble deeds and the pursuit of unrealistic goals, they are embroiled within in it as a necessity to the human condition. They are dreamers who seek to enable themselves AND the world to a higher station. It also applies to people who are idealistic, romantic, and impractical. As we know, in modern day society, those descriptions aren’t always translated as flattering, and one can go as far as to say that these descriptions are a sign of weakness. Leave one foot in a noble intention and put the other into the real world, and a quixotic is viewed as a failure. Sometimes, quixotic people are accused of viewing life as an illusion, because they adhere to Utopian models of living. Like Don Quixote himself, seen as a fool and a point of comedy to tilt at windmills and believing them to be giants. But giants or no, it is a quixotic individual who surpasses the others with the bravery against seemingly insurmountable odds.
But I have to say that this is exactly the kind of person I want to be remembered for. Not as a person who had the ability to endure my existence with the substance of a store mannequin and with no more thought given to the motivations and drives of a marionette. It is precisely these types of qualities that cause us to achieve and live the extraordinary. Why? Along with the definitions found in the dictionary and thesaurus, quixotic directly ties into hope and optimism. It also translates into that crazy unbending belief that anything is possible. It allows for miracles, depth of feeling and experience. Quixotics are the very people for whom hardships can be mounted upon and know that they will continue to do it if it is for the continuation of what they know to be true. Above all, Quixotics value the wonder of love everywhere.
Imagine life without those qualities. Rather than hope and optimism, we will be left with despair, pessimism, despondence, and gloom. Sound familiar? Sound like the same escapist tools at your disposal that twist the gift of a life into a justified existence endured at the expectations of others who care little unless they can profit from it with your misguided sense of self sacrifice? The world already has enough of that. As a matter of fact, it is DROWNING in it. So, why aren’t we all taking advantage of the possibilities encapsulated in being quixotic? Most probably because while every single one of these qualities seem to be the absolute depth of the human experience, they are much more likely to be seen, rationalized, and ultimately accepted as a dismal certainty than it is to expect something far better but more unknown than what they are used to. It has been the mantra of those with power to convince those without hope that it is better to stick with what there IS, regardless of it's happiness, than to seek a more intangible truth.
The main reason, I believe, is fear of reproach, and the falling ax from those we know who reject most things idealistic. Not only is it easier to avoid the discomfort of being challenged, but we believe such qualities can get us into trouble. Our preference is to avoid perceived obstacles and pretend that the rewards will never arrive. We would rather second-guess our inherent abilities and desires and settle for a mediocre existence. Sounds like a quick way into numbness and living life half-way. I think we’re a lot better than that, and deserve more. And we have a spirit determined to send us that powerful message. The only people who ever scoffed at the notion of making decisions based on the heart were the very same people who never had the ability to recognize it as useful in the first place.
Our spirit is quixotic, whether you believe it or not. The defiance of quixotic tendencies adversely impacts the natural state of our spirit. Those idealistic and impractical qualities are the make-up of our strongest life force. This is how our spirit speaks to us and begs us to raise the bar just a little bit higher. And it expects those around us to WANT to jump to clear it, not wait you out until you lower it to their liking. It reveals crazy notions of our deepest dreams and goals, and persists until we listen. UNTIL WE LISTEN. And when we finally do respond, although things may make little sense from the outside, we feel better than ever. In fact, we suddenly feel invincible and are ready to take action. We experience the highs of being liberated, particularly from the ball and chain that keeps us from doing what we really need to be doing. And so many of us are torn down and apart by making it impossible to fight a battle on uneven ground. That the very idea of defending what can not be seen or measured against what seems so real is no different than the feeling one gets from trying to fight a grizzly bear in a phone booth by poking it in the rectum with a small stick.
Our spirit is the best part of us and requires idealism as its fuel to achieve what seems impossible. It requires the kind of blind hope and unobtrusive vision to make things happen. I say let go and give into the part of us that knows exactly what to do at all the right moments in our lifetime. These are the kind of ingredients that allow our vision of life to expand into places we could have never imagined. Remember that being quixotic can save your life when fighting an illness, bring about life-changing inventions and cures, but most of all, allows us to experience the extraordinary.
Don’t defy your spirit – defy the odds of making your dreams come true and listening to the dull voices that strive to leave you where you are for their desires at the expense of yours. End the friction between you and your strongest desires to love and be loved by listening, exploring, and expanding into new horizons. It is not enough to ignore what is present and make shallow excuses for the things that require the need of suffering and endurance to have them justified. It is so common for something large to have you balk at it's lack of cowardice as that which proves its truth. And it is no less common to look at the heroes who defend against it as being wrong because they are afraid. A person who is never afraid is not a person who understands courage. A person who IS afraid and does so anyway, regardless of fear, epitomizes it. Heroes are not made by those who know they can win. Heroes are made by those who may fail, and fight anyway.
Now I ask, do you want to be quixotic? Do you want ME to be quixotic? Are these the heroes you wish to identify with? And if you do, how is it that they will be remembered. Do you wish to see them as living in the world and fighting, or do you wish to see them as idiot's of grand ideals crushed under the sails of stoic implacable windmills? Because how the world sees these heroes will decide whether they continue within the world by you embracing these ideals as worthy, or be wiped from the face of it as unneeded or unrecognized. Because value is only given to things that have worth, and with no need to have them, there is no value to people such as this.
Quixotics continue in this world because THEY WIN, but only if their efforts are seen as more worthy than the alternative. I've taken a very good look at this, and I know that this is the type of person I want to be remembered for. If I look foolhardy for tilting at giants, then so be it. If I should die under the crushing blow of a windmill sail for something I believe in, so be it. Heroes do not become heroes because they die. Everyone dies. Heroes are made because they are willing to risk their own lives for defending and maintaining ideals under overwhelming odds. Sometimes heroes win, and sometimes heroes die. But they are heroes regardless.
So I gladly accept the title of Quixotic. It it not a shortcoming that I refuse to accept the status quo simply because the adversity is larger than myself or because I am seen as absurd to attack it.So I gladly accept the title of Quixotic. It it not a shortcoming that I refuse to accept the status quo simply because the adversity is larger than myself or because I am seen as absurd to attack it. I REFUSE to accept it because the solution is quite often the exact OPPOSITE of that which they expect of themselves, wish in their hearts, expect of others, and simply ignore as too large to fight for.
Don't let these kinds of people drift into the dust of history. If you VALUE the ideals of these kinds of people, then actively seek them. If you believe these qualities should exist in the world then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Because by shutting out the very ones who wish a bigger better world by devaluing your need for it, you take away from thebelief that it is worth fighting for. Qualities and virtues are USELESS unless they are put to use. And an unrealized quixotic left inside his own head is just as useless as an epic book unread, a painting unseen, a sculpture buried in the dirt, or a dream left unanswered. Quixotics give the world one very simple thing. The knowledge that what you wish in your heart is exactly what they believe is worth fighting for, and then go about doing it to show you it is more real than a dream.

THE INCREASING NEED FOR HUBRIS OVER PRIDE

All emotions have a use. Whether they are the very basic emotions of animals, or combinations of the much more diverse emotions of humans, they act as the warning flags to those things that are dangerous to us, and as beacons to those that benefit us. For an animal, it is only a matter of discerning whether it is in their best interest to fight or flee, but even with the incredible intelligence of humans and the countless ways in which they could benefit from them, it is more likely that humans wouldn't know what to do with half the emotions they have, nor what they could be used for. So instead of fight or flight, they simply roll over where they are to be eaten alive by the others.
But it seems that with our ability to become more complex with our emotions, we have also become more innattentive to their functions, and now, we have a whole array of emotions that are doing very little at all to improve our human condition. We have ignored some very critical ones, and given credence to others to such a degree that we would rather concern ourselves with having the emotion but not knowing what to do with it. With no real purpose, I have to ask myself if it should be considered an emotion at all.One of the most interesting emotions is that of pride, because while pride is seen as the crown of the virtues to the Greeks, it is seen as a moral failing by almost all major religions. In the defense of pride, however, I have to mention that I think religions in general fail to inform their mindless minions of the positives to an emotion by ignoring the balance between the positives to pride instead of the negative that works more in their favor by failing to care enough to look at the whole breadth of an idea.
Judaism denounces it. The phrase "Pride goes before a fall" is a section of a passage from Proverbs. Many more verses of the Old Testament speak of pride and arrogance; a twisted combination of the want for pride without living up to it. "Blessed is that man that makes the Lord his trust, and looks not to the proud, nor to those that turn aside to lies." Psalm 40:4 says: "Talk no more exceeding proudly, nor let arrogancy come out of your mouth: for the Lord is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighed."
In Christianity, pride is seen as the excessive love of one's own worth usually by attempting to remove oneself from subjection to God or valid authorities. A scriptural reference to pride in Psalms 10-4 says "In his pride the wicked does not seek Him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God.". It is often assumed that of the Seven Deadly sins, pride is the progenitor of all others, and led Saint Thomas Aquinas to write that "inordinate self-love is the cause of every sin." Maybe a bit of a stretch to attribute all of them to pride, but how many times have you watched or listened to an over rated blow hard talk about what a wonderful person he is without seeing a damn thing ever come from him?
In Islam, pride is forbidden as well. According to a narration from Muhammad, "He in whose heart there is as much as an atom of arrogance will not enter paradise". A man who had heard him replied "A man likes his garment to be beautiful and his sandals to be beautiful.", but Muhammad countered again stating "...arrogance is disdaining what is true and despising people."
Aristotle identified pride (megalopsuchia) as proper pride; the greatness of soul and magnanimity as the crown of the virtues, distinguishing it from vanity, temperance, and humility. He actually set it as the crown, however, because it was only gained by achieving all of the other qualities FIRST. And the most important aspect of this pride is that it is not sought. It is simply achieved by acting outwardly with the qualities that cause pride, and felt inwardly by the recognition that others are aware of it. Anything else that is gained as recognition WITHOUT being those things first is undeserving of pride. It becomes something far more insidious, but I'll get to that later.
Objectivism is one of the few modern philosophies or religions that list pride as a virtue. According to Ayn Rand, pride is one of the seven main virtues. In "The Virtue of Selfishness" she wrote:
"The virtue of pride can best be described by the term: “moral ambitiousness.” It means that one must earn the right to hold oneself as one’s own highest value by achieving one’s own moral perfection—which one achieves by never accepting any code of irrational virtues impossible to practice and by never failing to practice the virtues one knows to be rational—by never accepting an unearned guilt and never earning any, or, if one has earned it, never leaving it uncorrected—by never resigning oneself passively to any flaws in one’s character—by never placing any concern, wish, fear or mood of the moment above the reality of one’s own self-esteem. And, above all, it means one’s rejection of the role of a sacrificial animal, the rejection of any doctrine that preaches self-immolation as a moral virtue or duty."
Pride is seen as a positive, correct, life-affirming attitude to have, as it celebrates one's achievements and promoted selfworth. It is achieved by consistently practicing productiveness, rationality, independence, honesty, integrity, justice and all of the other virtues, and the end result is one of the three cardinal Objectivist values. The value of self-esteem.
Once again, how many times have you seen a person wish and expect this kind of pride from others, but do very little to surround themselves with people who are, or live up to the qualities that deserve that pride? Pride is the reward of accomplishment through humility.
So what is going on here? How is it that we are all expected to be proud, but as soon as we are, we are seen as TOO proud? And the key to understanding pride is to view it as a delicate balance between what it is that you have, and what you did to get it. What it is inside of you that can be viewed by others as an expression of humility while at the same time feeling the pride of knowing internally that you deserve it without feeling the need to show it outwardly.
Think of pride as something that one should strive and climb to achieve, but not something that can be had by sacrificing anything else. Like the careful walk up one side of a teeter-totter and then venturing only so far as to lift the beam off the ground and balance one side with the other. Knowing the fine line between these two is the very place where people wander past the fulcrum virtue of pride and drift into something wholly different. This is the journey into Hubris. Hubris is a sense of self exaggerated pride. Pride that works simply to gain the emotional reward of without anything else to back it up. Hubris is what so very many people call pride because they get the benefit of the feeling for themselves, but not due to the projected admiration from others because of the efforts of maintaining the humility.
There are two main types of pride that relate to hubris. The first is Alpha pride. Alpha Pride, or pride inside yourself, is described as a behavior that reflects less emotional expression. Alpha pride concerns feelings of inward gratification rather than the outward expressions of beta pride. Beta Pride (Pride in behavior) is described as a behavior that contributes to hubris negatively. Beta pride is more of an emotional expression. Emotional expressions are often intended as communicative acts addressed to another person rather than direct reflections of an underlying mental state. Several theories are related to the relationship of beta pride and the unconscious feelings of detachment/unconcern.Pride is "a pleasant emotion that results from a positive self-evaluation" (Lewis, 2002). The standard view of pride was that it results from satisfaction with meeting the personal goals set by oneself. Most research on pride attempts to distinguish the positive aspects of pride and the negative. Pride involves exhilarated pleasure and a feeling of accomplishment. Pride is related to "more positive behaviors and outcomes in the area where the individual is proud" (Weiner, 1985). Pride is generally associated with positive social behaviors such as helping others and outward promotion. According to Bagozzi et. al, pride can have the positive benefits of enhancing creativity, productivity, and altruism.
Hubris, by contrast, involves an arrogant tone and satisfaction in oneself in general. Hubris seems to be associated with more intra-individual negative outcomes. Hubris is related to expressions of aggression and hostility (Tangney, 1999). Hubris, ironically, is not automatically associated with high self-esteem, as one might expect but with highly fluctuating or variable self-esteem (Rhodwalt, et al.) Excessive feelings of hubris have a tendency of creating conflict and sometimes terminating close relationships. Hubris is considered one of the few emotions without some kind of positive function.
It is an all too common occurence, however, to be in desperate need of pride in ourselves for the things around us and to wish it as the virtuous form of pride when it is seen by others within ourselves. We want to be seen as having it in a way that expresses humility to others and at the same time fills that inner part to be proud. But when the things around us are not living up to your expectations to give you the ability to recieve that pride, we settle for what is offered as a default, and are then seen as having the overweaning pride of hubris.
The trick to this is to realize that pride is not something that can be gained by the accomplishments of others, and to attribute your own self esteem to the wishes and whims of others, who may or may not feel the same importance to the things that give you pride, may be setting yourself up to having to live with the understanding that the self esteem is purchased by you, but only sold when it is convenient to them. Pride for who you are and what you give to others reinforces positive pride, and by doing them of and for yourself,and with humility, results in good and well deserved pride. Pride that is dependant solely on the perception of others without honestly possessing those things worthy of pride, or by giving pride to those who do not wish to gain it honestly, is not pride.
Be very careful with the emotion of pride. Like everything else in life, it is to be appreciated in small doses. Not enough, and you are seen as unnappreciated and used. Too much, and you are seen as greedy and selfish. It is a long slow climb, but people who recognize that pride is a journey that can only be appreciated by going halfway. A hard thing to do for a person who already exceeds the goal of pride and wishes to take just one more step up to gain more and, instead, tilts the level into the abyss. Be a proud person, but remember that pride is something that is gained because you did what was required without expecting an emotional return, and then be proud that you were given that admiration regardless of asking for it.

References:* Cairns, Douglas L. "Hybris, Dishonour, and Thinking Big." Journal of Hellenic Studies 116 (1996) 1-32.* Fisher, Nick (1992). Hybris: a study in the values of honour and shame in Ancient Greece. Warminster, UK: Aris & Phillips. A book-length discussion of the meaning and implications of hybristic behavior in ancient Greece.* MacDowell, Douglas. "Hybris in Athens." Greece and Rome 23 (1976) 14-31.* Owen, David (2007) The Hubris Syndrome: Bush, Blair and the Intoxication of Power Politico's, Methuen Publishing Ltd.* The Nicomachean Ethics By Aristotle, James Alexander, Kerr Thomson, Hugh Tredennick, Jonathan Barnes translators* Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics 4.3* Understanding Philosophy for AS Level AQA, by Christopher Hamilton (Google Books)* Aristotle Rhetoric 1378b.*“The Objectivist Ethics,” The Virtue of Selfishness, 27,

THE ABUSE OF COMPASSION

I am becoming increasingly irritated at the double standard of virtues. As though everyone is very aware of what they are and the definitions of them, but not how easy and common it is for someone else to abuse the virtue by twisting it into a double edged sword that works to someone elses advantage no matter how it is applied.

     Compassion seems to be the worst of them, because while we are so desperately needing to be seen as people having it, we seem to be expected to employ almost godlike amounts of it from others, and on their conditions and not ours. It is the very thing that reveals us as the kind of people we truly are inside and should attract other compassionate people up as more human than others, but ironically attracts the kinds of people that can use and exploit it; their very nature to have and take, magnetically drawing them to prey on us and our need to express it as being the very thing they need to enable them achieve it to their standards.

     Compassion is the most gracious act of kindness when it is offered freely, but when it is expected and demanded, it is simply a tool to use your own empathy for an apathetic goal. You are expected to be a better person; to excuse and forgive when you have been slighted or debased,or insulted and disrespected regardless of how deeply. This can happen for days, or weeks, or even years, with no care or thought given by another to the extent of damage that is incurred by the person who endures it. They finally, just like anyone else, reach the breaking point, and begin to express well deserved anger at the blatant disregard. Whatever befalls an undeserving person for the abuse of compassion SHOULD be their just deserts, and the consequences for their actions, whatever they may be, well deserved. But compassionate people are different. They actually feel what it is the other person could not. They are, again, prompted by a higher inner voice to employ the other side of compassion. mercy and pity. This is the abuse of compassionate people.
It's a lot like having an angry dog barking at the end of a chain whose wish to get off of it is so badly wanted that it very nearly chokes itself to death. It heaves on the chain expending every ounce of energy until its eyes roll back in its head and it froths at the mouth.

     Any truly compassionate person would see this plea for assistance as being a greater need than the original insult. And so they lean in and do the very first thing that will alleviate suffering, and take the dog off the chain. Which, to no great surprise, turns on them immediately and bites them in the face.

Compassion is a virtue of the highest order, and to have it, and be seen by others as possesing it, is the very reason why we are so often destroyed for it. Because it serves the same purpose on either end by being what allows them to be gracious regardless of whether we recieve it, and merciful if we do not.

Compassion is another one of those virtues that I believe needs to be admired in other people for its ability to be balanced, and not so much as simply having an overabundance of it that it turns self sacrificing people into unrecognized martyrs.

We have a word for forgotten martyrs. It's called a victim. And what we need to do to stop being exploited by our virtue is to understand that we become victims when we simply allow other people to define the concept of compassion and expect ourselves to live up to it to be seen as worthy.

     I have been told, on more than one occasion,that I have the compassion of a saint, but in the same breath, also told that I am an utter fool for giving so much of myself in places where it is simply not being appreciated or returned. I agonize over the fine line that I try to walk between being as useful and helpful as possible without going so far as to be seen as a door mat. But the trick is to be aware of the fact that the line is MINE to draw. Not theirs. If I were to allow someone else to draw the line between what is just and fair, and what they wanted, the line would be as far as the horizon of their wishes and wants. And for each person, you would be expected to extend yourself to theirs as well. It should comes as no surprise that when you are trying to satisfy everyone by keeping a foot at the edge of everyone's horizons, that you can't help but feel stretched thin. As though it is your job alone to satisfy the needs and wants of others without the recognition for your desire to accomplish it to their idea of acceptance. This is a very hard thing for compassionate people to understand, but there has to be a certain degree of 'quid pro quo' for the things that you do to be seen as compassionate. The 'this for that' mentality is counter intuitive to a person who is raised and led to believe that it is better to give than receive, but maybe that is because compassionate people were never taught the unspoken axiom of more greedy people. That being 'it is better to want and to take, than it is to have and to give'. Compassionate people don't understand this. They see it every day, and endeavor to be the epitome of its opposite, but in doing so become the very vehicle to perpetuate it if they can not see that the line between the two is for them to discern and not for others to define.

Be compassionate for things that strive to uphold the idea of decency and respect to other people and things, but do not be so quick to give absolution and excuses to those who saw no need to express it beforehand, toward you. Forgiveness and absolution should be reserved for those who endure to never have it be required of them in the first place. Mercy and pity are the secondary gifts compassionate people give to others when they try and fail regardless, not the second chance to be given to abusers of compassion that give them the strength, ability, and opportunity to do it again without consequence.

    Sooner or later, the epiphany has to dawn on us all. Self-sacrifice has its own rewards, but no so long as those who demand it of us rely on it as the impetus for their own lack of respect. Because then, you are not seen or respected as compassionate. You are merely a pawn in a game that has no use of true compassion to begin with.

Ladders And Scales

In a world of so much excess , it should come as no surprise that people are expected to perform, and to supply with others, an almost godlike set of qualities in order to be even considered for the worth of another. We have wrongly assumed,simply by our socioeconomic environment, that bigger is always better, and that the more you have, or can take, proves by default that you are a better person for it. Stronger, faster, more expensive, decadent, or grandiose, but never whether it does what you needed it to do in the first place.
But emotions are not an 'all or nothing'. To have complete mastery of a single emotion is to only have half of the whole. Every emotion has an opposite, and mastery of that opposite as well, is to be able to see emotions as the scale pans that must be balanced in order to achieve the full weight or worth of either one. Most people see their emotions, and what comes of them as ladders rather than scales. Where everything must be climbed and attained without ever understanding the opposite.
This ridiculous concept of 'bigger and better',seems to look toward the people who exemplify massive potential in one aspect while completely ignoring the fact that it is pointless to admire potential in that which can not move; the objects of our admiration or their supposed power completely obscuring their utility by simply being to large to look around. Like a monster truck that can not move, or a Super Size Meal that's too big to eat, or even a house that becomes too much of a wallet biting eyesore to ever become a home.
But still we are still supposed to be impressed. Powerful men of wealth and position who have no ability to apply emotional conviction to that which can not be bought or sold,and beautiful and vacuous super models who can dangle the promise of sexual fulfillment like Tantalus's grapes at our fingertips without ever allowing people to see the dagger at our throats that sells subservience to beauty in the same way hundred dollar bills do to a common street prostitute.
In a world of social climbers, our scales are ignored for a forest of ladders to which we perch emotions and abilities that have little use at all on their own; Bulging chest muscles that can be oiled and flexed for the admiration of the people who live in their heads but haven't got the endurance to do anything more than waste a day in a gym and be too exhausted and depleted to mow the lawn. Or people who claim their dedication to their job and the ability to provide while leaving hearts and souls in a virtual vacuum to be used in the way they see fit and not how they are needed by another.
For all of the emotions that we wish to feel, there is another with which it must be accountable to and tempered with. And when a person is seen as a collection of imposing ladders, remember that they can't be used for anything else. They are simply elevated without being balanced. All or nothing and nothing because they are not all without the other half.
If emotions and feelings are to be seen as filling both sides of a scale, it should also be seen that these scales do not rest on the tables alone. There are many scales just as there are many ladders, but the pans of each scale should overlay each other; each pan above or below another scale with the ability to influence that emotion or ability as well. The small amounts of one emotion tilting the next that is filled or lessened by yet a third.
But in a world of ladders, no matter how many a person may seem to possess, they are still only half of a person when it comes to the ability to rely on movement. Ladders do not move, and they are not supposed to. It is not the fault of the emotion that it has been set alone on a ladder and expected to do anything more than hold it. It is the fault of the person who elevated it to that spot to be admired without allowing others to see that it had no use on its own. And when it comes to relying on that emotion to be a fluid thing, and it comes up short, should it come as no surprise that when these people are seen for what they truly are, and those who admire them are asked how happy they are, they always come up with something like "I feel like I am only half of a person."? Of course you are. You were led to believe that there was a full range of ability in something you were trained to see only half of. That simply having it was enough without asking yourself, or being told, that it means absolutely nothing if it isn't allowed to be tempered or tilted to fit to a situation without falling apart.
You do not get to tout your ability to talk if you do not know how to listen, and by failing to be able to accomplish both (not just one or the other) you do not get the right to be able to say you communicate. You do not get to feel real genuine love if you can not sacrifice, nor do you have it in return if it can not be recognized. You can not claim to be courageous without fear, and if you can, then you can not be brave or courageous. You are stupid. You can not trust if you are not willing to set yourself up be destroyed and know that you won't. You can not know pride if you tolerate hubris as an excuse. You can not have worth if you are not valued. You can not know comfort if there is even remote fear. All of these are dependent on either the understanding of the differences or the ability to make one accountable for what it affects others.
Most importantly, you simply can not gain the full admiration and love of another person if you are towering above them on a ladder, nor can you assume you love another if you are expected to be immovable to be what they need. Change is the only constant. The only change that occurs in immovable things is decay, the rate of which is directly proportional to the veracity of the components to which it is continually subjected. Some people in this world would like to think that by building one ladder high enough that it will make it possible to ignore the other side of the emotion altogether, and to overcompensate for something you are very capable of while not being able to nurture its opposite still only results in half a person. How do you measure the worth of effort if it comes effortlessly?
Maybe what we need to do is stop looking at the height of an emotion and, instead start becoming aware of and valuing more, the number of those qualities and their length and breadth instead. To start realizing that it is simply not enough to say bigger is better if it doesn't do what it is supposed to accomplished without the other component. But I guess I am preaching to the choir on this one, aren't I? Those who are half a person in and of themselves will appeal to another who is half what they should be. Both will have an excess of that which they do not need in the other, and will ignore it just as long as they get the part they want. And to achieve the one or two things they want from another will ignore half of them as well, regardless of whether it is needed by them or not. How ironic. Two people, only half of their potential, cutting away another half of themselves to be admired by another who cuts away still another half to tolerate them.
And all because they couldn't see the need of the forest for the tree that obscured the view.

I don't want this to sound like this is everyone, though. Because for everything that we get raised to believe and trained to endure, and then indoctrinated and trapped into being by not knowing the difference, there are just as many people who are finding that just because we have been doing it for half of our lives, does not necessarily mean that we have to continue in it. It is a long slow walk out of the forest of ladders, and the wish for a wider expanse of emotions, like fields of grass, takes a bit of time to get to. Small careful steps are steps just the same, and a journey is no less meaningfull if it is done with more care taken to safe passage than by the speed to which it is accomplished.
I myself, have learned that I have fallen victim to a few too many ladders in my life and been unable to get my scale pans out from under the rungs of ladders that I am not so impressed with anymore. The parts of me that I cut away to make myself more appealing to someone else is much like cutting away the scale pans to make room for ladders that are doing more to verify the wants of someone else to have their ladder than it is allowing me to be able to fluctuate and move the scales I thought I could do without.
I am not going to be lost in a sea of ladders anymore. I am going to reclaim more and more of my own scales and look to have them do what they are intended to do for both me and people I choose to fill my life.
I have come to find that people who rest their lives on top of ladders that are too high for me to reach, let alone use or appreciate, are simply not concerned with my needs to have a more movable relationship. And if they have become so sure of themselves atop those ladders that they fail to recognize me as a collection of scales beneath them, then so be it. It is no longer my wish to be accountable to or guilty or shameful for the ladders they feel are important if they are not going to understand that my need to be understood as a more complete person requires me to reclaim on my own, the emotions and feelings that were not wanted, or that became unnecessary to them. But that are absolutely critical to me.
As I grow older,though, I have learned that far too many of these emotions that I said I would sacrifice, are now, not going to be ignored. Not because they will not, but can not. I have tried, and the plain truth of the matter, regardless of how I say that it does not matter is a complete and total lie to myself. I am worth just as much as anyone else. If someone else was worth what I sacrificed of myself, then how do I rationalize their right to those sacrifices over mine with no difference in the value of people in general? To allow one to take of me and have it be acceptable is to ask the same thing in return with equal with no difference in worth as a soul. And if that means that I have to set my scales up and balance them between the rungs of previous ladders, then so be it. But I need them, and if the lofty perches atop ladders have put their heads so far up into the clouds that I am no longer needed to do anything but support it for them, and not myself or my happiness, then I need to go and find a deeper peace and happiness with someone who can.
I am sure that some people will scoff and judge me a horrible person for erecting my scales beneath the rungs of ladders already there, but how is it any different if I am willing to live with a higher awareness of emotional involvement and feel it more wholly in a place where It shouldn't be, than it is to live with a lack of it where it should be and is not? All things being equal, I should be able to be just as angry and judgmental for being required and forced into an emotional vacuum as they may feel I deserve for me finding it where I do. If I am to be damned either way, then I will choose to damn myself with just one injustice to another rather than scores of them against myself for pretending.
Keep your ladders and do with them what you will, but not at the expense of my own heart. I will use my own scales and nestle them with whoever, and wherever, I wish. Do not be veangeful or critical of a another person who has seen fit to love unconditionally what you left at your feet as unnecessary. You didn't want it when you asked me to be blinded by your ladders, nor did you feel the need to carry it to the top of mine. What is felt and needed by someone else should be of no concern to the one who felt no need to require it or nurture it, and if they care for it the way I wish it to be, then that is mine to feel.

The Blog Disclaimer

Every time I start a new journal or blog, I write a disclaimer for all of the things that you may find in it. I am a very polite and respectful person in public, and have been known to bend over backwards to avoid confrontation for my views if it will improve the situation on the whole, but I am also not a person to be made mute and impotent altogether because of my ability to be polite in a place where, by all rights, you should have had your teeth slapped out of your head. Instead, I wait.
When I was in high school, I was dragged into the principals office for writing stories that I suppose could be referred to as "Columbine-esque". They were rude, and brutally honest, and full of anger and frustration and rage. The only difference, however, between me and every other mindless drone they tried to manufacture, was that I knew that it was more beneficial to write what I felt inside rather than be an outward bitch or insensitive asshole instead.
Well they would have NONE of that kind of thinking. Apparently, creative writing should be structured to make it as pointless as possible. No thought or insight just so long as we jumped the proverbial hoop. I was accused of sex when I hadn't had it yet, violence I had absolutely no ability or desire to perform, crimes that had not been comitted, and associations with people who I had never met. All because it was written. It wasn't until years later that someone read my journal and commented that everything I wrote was exactly how they felt at the time but were too afraid or ashamed to say.
And that is sad.
What I write is what I think. That's all. I try as hard as I can to keep exactly what I think and feel to come out in a way that it can be understood by another person....but not necessarily agreed with. I don't write for approval of my position. I write to make an awareness of it. What you decide to do with what I write or feel is entirely up to you. HOW I go about it, however, is not up to you.
I will swear and curse and use four letter explitives at will. Not because I have to, but because that is what comes out. I will praise and at the same time insult everything about each and every one of us. Your identity, your religion, your ethnicity, your ethics, your moralities, everything. And I will do the same to myself.
The truth is something that this world seems to not have much use of. Not if it can be sacrificed for something else. Cut and dried definitions are skewed into completely irrational configurations to justify the most assinine of situations. And maybe that is just the way of the world. But just because a person is trained or forced to not notice that there is an elephant in the cupboard, does not mean that I should have to ignore it all the time in every situation. There will come a time and a place where I will walk away from the cupboard and the elephant of lies and falsehoods, and make my own assumptions about what is right and wrong with the world. It seems to me that we have spent too much time listening to the truths of other people without asking ourselves how they came to the conclusions anyway. We gave them the chance to make what was said and done be the same thing, and they fucked it up. So instead, I offer the ability to state my point of view even if I can't change it, by what and how I write.
So read it with an open mind, because I wrote it with one. Don't agree with it if you don't want to, but don't make me pretend truth and where I do not believe it exists by having me right what feels good. Life isn't fair.
A Liar taught me that.