SHAME, REMORSE, AND GUILT

"Shame and remorse are the fees exacted of people with compassion , but it is always collected by others of little conscience. Guilt is the interest accrued to compassionate people that makes it impossible to be paid in full."

Guilt And Remorse
Many people(more than I ever thought possible after speaking to them about it) are living in lives filled with some of the most unbelievable feelings. Feelings that should be a counterpoint to the emotions of others, but have been somehow skewed in to the belief that one should feel where the other either can not, or worse, will not.  We feel loneliness and neglect. We feel unappreciated and ignored. We feel slighted and undervalued. We feel detached from what it is we have a right to be a part of, and at the same time we feel scrutinized in places and at times where no one else has a right to claim it. But most of all, and this is something that has become all too common, we have become all to willing to accept that it is OUR fault that we feel this way, and that it is OUR responsibility to change it for the betterment of those who require it of us?
And for what?

It certainly isn't for what we gain by bending to the will of others if the place we are bent, pushed,contorted,and cajoled into is not in our best interests or desires. So who are we doing it for, and, more importantly, WHY?

It would be one thing if we could look at the things we wish in our lives and make certain compromises. We make a sacrifice in one place to have success in others. But when the sacrifices become expected of us(worse, demanded) with no return for what we hoped to gain, we set the stage for a whole new situation. We sacrifice the concept of compromise and we capitulate. And capitulation is surrender. It is a loss of assets with no return.

     This would not be so bad if it was occasional, or temporary, but it isn't. It has invaded every aspect of our lives because we feel the obligation to a smooth sailing ship without ever realizing that we are now the sole person rowing the boat,and trimming the sails,and swabbing the decks for taskmasters whose only job is to decide whether or not we are doing it to their liking. And the more we relegate to their idea of smooth sailing, the less we have to bargain with or be allowed to claim as being a shared venture. Sooner or later, the opinion is ventured that it is indeed unfair, but at that point the option becomes to either do as they are told, or be thrown off the boat into the water. No mention is ever made of how the boat will be maintained afterward, but why should that be even considered when it is easier to point out who owns the boat.
 
So many people have accepted this behavior into so many parts of their lives that most are not even aware of it or how deeply it has seated itself into our behavior as habit. The problem with trying to live like this is that we are often the types of people who are aware of it in one place and try to find solace in something else just to get our minds off of it for awhile. So we engage in something we EXPECT to be completely insulated from it; something that is ours alone. Only to find that it reaches around from behind and bites us in a completely unexpected place. It's much like a person trying to plug a dike. No matter how much effort you place in the repair of one hole, another pops up somewhere else, and all the while you are being blamed for your inability to plug the holes. Well no wonder. It's not your dike and they aren't your holes, but there you are feeling as the only person who will get drowned by your failure to comply. This type of constant back peddling combined with the sense of responsibility we feel in ourselves to correct it makes our inability to do it to their standards wholly unattainable.Both in their eyes and in our own. And when we can not do it, we are left to feel as the one with a failure. We assume the guilt of not being able to perform. We justify the scorn, we internalize the sense of detachment, and we attack ourselves rather than the situation to which we have been relegated to out of nothing more than our desire to be so much more to others.

Shame and remorse are our rewards for trying to be what others expect of us while at the same time not having enough self respect to feel we deserve it. It was worth it enough to have it sacrificed in ourselves. So why should we feel so terrible when we expect it in return? And how did we ever get to the point that we felt that we should bear the brunt of the compromise...of the capitulation...of the surrender.

The time has come for us to believe in ourselves that we have just as much right to satisfaction and happiness as anyone else. That our desire to compromise comes with the assumed awareness that both people need to bend. If it is not worth it to them to go halfway, then DO NOT step back to allow so much as an inch of something that was not appreciated in you in the first place.

Even more so would be to no longer assign guilt to things that are not valued with the same coin as you would put to it. To what end does it serve to feel guilt if you are the only one to value it enough in the first place? If a man chooses to not wear shoes, and refuses them outright when you offer them, should you still be obligated to feel guilty  that you give shoes to someone else instead?Someone who needs shoes but has none? 

Remove these feelings of remorse and of shame. Know in your heart that if someone or something else does not have it in them to understand the value in it, it is a moot point to expect them to have an appreciation for someone who does. Do not spend your life trying to patch holes in dikes or row a boat when you have no real say in where it goes. Remove remorse and shame from the things you desire in yourself if they are not being appreciated for what they are by others except in the having of them.. Seek compassion and respect and belonging in people who stand beside you next to leaky dikes, and meet and care for people who stand before you with an oar of their own. Ones who ROW next to you. Trim sails together and know that paths of destiny will be met by direction made together, and not by the toil of a single oar.